


Smile and hold your Secrets tight

by MissMoonshine



Category: Doctor Who, Sarah Jane Adventures, Sarah Jane Smith (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, working through trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:34:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27758476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMoonshine/pseuds/MissMoonshine
Summary: They haven't seen each other in years. There have been too many lies, too many half-truths and the three of them have fallen apart. None of them ever planned it but once they stopped talking, trying again hurt too much. Until, by chance, they do start talking again and just maybe things aren't as hopeless as they thought.An attempt to have Josh, Sarah Jane and Nat work through the Dauntless-Trauma after years of growing apart.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 11





	1. Surprise Visit

**Author's Note:**

> Ever since I listened to the Sarah Jane Audios, I wanted to read about the aftermath of the Dauntless. Well. Turns out there aren't a lot of fics focusing on that, so of course, I had do write out my own version. 
> 
> Chapter 1 is set sometime before S5 of SJA, so in early Spring 2011; the other chapters will be set a few months later. The working title of this story was 'Josh & SJ' but then, as per usual, it took an a life of it's own. Oh, and most SJA characters will make minor appearances.  
> I have 3 1/2 chapters, a total of 4 is planned, so I'll try to update Semi- regularly. 
> 
> Of course, none of the wonderful characters provided by the beeb and Big Finish are mine, I'm just borrowing them to play for a little while. 
> 
> Now, enjoy realing- I'd love to know what you think!

It was quite ironic, Josh thought, that he should see SJ - he still couldn’t bring himself to think of her as Sarah Jane - in her favourite restaurant. It shouldn’t have been surprising that she’d be there, of course, but somehow, the possibility had completely slipped his mind. That in itself wasn’t all that ironic, but the fact that he had been looking for her for years, unable to track her down, only to suddenly run into her now, that was quite ironic.

He wasn’t sure what he’d expected when he’d see her again but he was fairly certain that it wasn’t seeing her sit with a teenage boy, gesticulating wildly while SJ was listening intently and with a brilliant smile on her face. In all the time he had known her, Josh had seen Sarah Jane smile fake smiles, small and big ones and sometimes even burst out laughing or dissolve into giggles. But he could fairly say that he had never, not one single time, seen her look as genuinely happy as she did during dinner with that boy. 

Whatever had happened in the years since he’d last seen her, it must have been good. She deserved it, Josh thought, after all that she went through. But that didn’t mean his curiosity was, in any way, stifled and when they made to leave, he couldn’t help but carefully follow. He thought about calling Nat when he saw them disappear into the big house on the corner, but he hadn’t spoken to her in years either and last he heard, she had just as little contact with Sarah as he did.

He wanted to go back the next day, but meetings and more meetings kept him busy, so when Josh finally found himself back in Ealing, almost a week had passed.

The boy opened the door. 

‘You want to talk to my mum?’ He asked and Josh frowned. 

‘I want to talk to SJ - Sarah Jane. Smith.’ 

‘Luke.’ All of a sudden, she stood before him again in all her glory, Sarah Jane, looking better than he had ever seen her before. She had a hand on the boy’s shoulder, gently but firmly pulling him away from Josh. It stung. They didn’t seem to notice. ‘Darling, why don’t you go over to Rani’s for the afternoon, I’m sure Gita won’t mind having you around for tea.’

Sarah knew for fact that Gita didn’t mind, she always delighted in having Luke and Clyde over, despite her husband’s misgivings about the latter. Luke nodded and gave her a quick hug.

‘Sure, mum. See you later - call us if you need anything?’

‘Don’t worry, I’m just going to have a little chat with Mr Townsend here.’

Josh couldn’t help staring as Luke pressed a kiss to her cheek and then reluctantly made his way across the street, turning back twice to see Sarah watching him closely. Only when he had disappeared inside the house did her attention snap back to Josh and suddenly, there was none of the warmth from moments ago left.

‘Josh,’ she said, eerily calm. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I wanted to talk,’ he answered honestly. ‘Just me, Josh wanting to talk to SJ.’ It seemed to be the right thing to say because she finally stepped aside and led him into a spacious kitchen. She didn’t even ask, just put on the kettle and made tea for both of them, before sitting down across from him at the table.

‘Why are you here, Josh? How did you even find me?’

‘I saw you the other day,’ Josh admitted readily - he had been lying to her for too long, broken her trust one too many times to not tell the truth now. ‘And I couldn’t not come see you. I missed you.’

‘I missed you too.’ It didn’t look like she wanted to admit that, biting her lip in that all too familiar way.

‘You look great.’

‘So do you.’ Awkward smalltalk, dodging the subject they both knew inevitable. Sarah stopped chewing her lip, finally looking up at Josh. ‘I’m glad you are alive.’

‘I never thanked you for that, did I? Not that I could - you’d already disappeared from Dreamland by the time I woke up. No one could tell me what happened after I passed out, only that you saved us.’ He swallowed and Sarah’s eyes darted towards the window, effectively averting his gaze.

‘I had to get away,’ she said after a long moment of silence. ‘I couldn’t...I couldn’t stand it, staying there, knowing what happened, that you lied and that I lied and I couldn’t tell anyone - I just had to get away.’

‘I know - Nat said you stayed till they told you I’d be fine and then you up and disappeared with that friend of yours.’ Five years ago, Josh’s tone would have been accousing, but now? He just sounded resigned and Sarah suddenly felt guilty.

‘It wasn’t your fault, you know? That I couldn’t stay,’ she added quickly when he made to protest, ‘but I couldn’t tell you, or Nat - Liz had seen some of it, she could understand and not think me a loony, but you two? I just couldn’t.’

Going by the look on Josh’s face, she still didn’t make any sense to him and she closed her eyes for a moment to gather herself.

‘I still want to say I’m sorry,’ Josh said, before she managed to collect herself and her eyes snapped open again to look at him. There was a sincerity on his face she knew all too well from Clyde and Sarah couldn’t help but swallow as she nodded for him to go on. ‘There were times when I thought what the Order was saying was mad, but then I actually met you and...well, you were just like they had told me you would be. And now, looking back, I just think...can I really believe you could be the Herald from a book that a duke wrote in the 15th century? Did he use your initials by accident, because how could he have possibly known you, you know? Astrology doesn’t work like that and, well...the crimson chapter is pretty much shattered, there are a few acolytes left but what’s left of us is keeping them in check. But they don’t know where you are either - are you okay?’

Sarah nodded, then shook her head and Josh eyed her worriedly. There was a look of deep contemplation on her face, like she was weighing up the better option of two horrible ones.

‘You shouldn’t apologise for believing in something you were brought up believing in,’ she finally said, eyes still far away. ‘And I  _ am  _ sorry for mocking your faith in the Book of Tomorrows - because it wasn't all made up, you know? Oh no, no, I’m not the Herald, there’s no such thing. But they got it right, Giuliano  _ was  _ talking about me. Not because of astrology, but because he knew me.

‘When I was a young woman, I met him - Guiliano - in 1494. It’s complicated and involves time travel - well, we ended up talking about science and I told him about the future. The SJS in his book, she’s me because I was there. I had  _ no idea  _ that it would come back to haunt me like that.’ She fell silent again, clearly waiting for a reaction from Josh, but he could do nothing but stare at her. 

‘What?’ Had the situation been less serious, the look on his face would have been comical, but right now, it only made Sarah swallow.

‘I always got so angry at you for lying to me - I was quite the hypocrite, was I? I kept telling myself that it was different - what you kept from me, what you lied about, those things were about  _ me. _ They were impacting my life, while the things I kept from you...well, I mainly kept those things secret because who would believe me? I’d learned that quickly, that unless you can prove it to people, no one will believe you. 

‘And afterwards, I couldn’t help thinking, what if we’d just been honest about everything? I only put the pieces together when you said Duke Giuliano wrote the Book of Tomorrows - if I’d known that before, maybe things would have been different. I like to think I would have told you how it came to be, what he was really talking about - but this way, I never knew until it was almost too late already…’

‘Too late for what?’ Josh wanted to know, still confused but Sarah shook her head, suddenly deathly pale.

‘I can’t, Josh.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I can’t talk about it - it’s too...much.’

‘Okay.’ He wouldn’t press - he already had a hunch that this was about what had happened on the Dauntless and while he remembered very little past the initial takeoff and shooting Ben, he did remember Sarah had sounded terrified. Even if she didn’t blame him for the things that happened, he certainly blamed himself for the psychological trauma she had endured then. Probably still did.

‘I tried to find you, after,’ Josh said suddenly and Sarah hastily looked away. When he realised that she wasn’t about to say anything to explain herself, he carefully continued. ‘Nat was so angry at me, but she tried to look you up for me anyway - but it was like you’d just disappeared. Then, a few months later, I saw an article you wrote in the paper. I tried looking for you again but all anyone could find was your professional contact - no address, nothing. Why didn’t you at least tell us - me - where you were? That you were okay?’

Sarah shook her head and the silence between them stretched uncomfortably long before she finally answered. Wasn’t she normally so apt at finding the right words? Why was that skill deceiving her now, when she was so desperately in need of it?

‘I needed time to think. Come to terms with what happened.’ She shrugged. 'Liz made me stay with her for a while. She made sure there was always someone I could talk to - someone who would understand about the secrets. The Brig and Kate dropped by sometimes, but they were both so busy with work. Liz too, when she got that promotion - but Doris still came over all the time, she said she worried. There were days when we'd sit there and...just be. They did their best to make sure I was alright. Other than aunt Lavinia, they were the closest thing I ever had to family.' Her teacup seemed very interesting, for she was staring at it intently to avoid looking at Josh.

He frowned, somewhat hurt by the notion that Sarah had never once mentioned those people to him and Nat before and yet seemed to hold them in such high regard. And where had they been when the whole thing with the Order started, why had they not been helping her then instead of leaving her on her own?

‘They didn’t know.’ The answer to his silent question surprised him and he realised that he must have spoken aloud. Damn. But Sarah was already pressing on, still staring at her mug. ‘I didn’t dare tell them, I didn’t want to pull them into anything - they’re all too important, too high up for me to be associated with them safely at the time.’

Josh just gave her a disbelieving look and once more wondered who this woman really was. He had already come to the conclusion years ago that even though she had trusted him and Nat, Sarah Jane Smith had only shown them a fraction of herself. And somehow, she had chosen tonight to reveal some of those tightly kept secrets, clear the air between them once and for all.

‘They weren’t happy about me for keeping it all from them, if that makes you feel any better,’ Sarah said, pulling him from his thoughts. He gave her a crooked smile.

‘I guess, yeah.’ Sighing, he pushed a hand through his hair. ‘I’m glad you had someone - I was always afraid you’d be all alone.’

She snorted. ‘Not bloody likely. Liz wouldn’t let me out of her sight for  _ weeks. _ I felt like a child!’ Taking a deep breath, she shook her head and sobered again. ‘Doris and Liz, they even tried to find Harry, and he told me - Harry, that is - that when he heard I had been on the Dauntless, he was about to drop everything and come home for me. The only reason he didn’t was because his mission was almost over and he wouldn't do anything to jeopardise it and drag it out even longer - god, Liz was so angry when she found out, I think she would have slapped him if I hadn’t been in the room.’

‘Liz - Nat mentioned a Liz. But she was your doctor - Nat said she just showed up a few hours after the Dauntless got back and suddenly no one else was allowed to treat you,’ Josh frowned. Sarah shrugged.

‘I told you, I have some friends in high places.’

‘So high that you get a private doctor no one knows about, who just walks into Area 51 like she does that every day and then just takes charge of your medical treatment?’

‘Well, when you put it like that it does sound a bit dodgy. But Liz is the only person I trust - other than Harry - who has a high enough security clearance to have full access to my medical records, so the options were limited.’

‘Right. You know that what you just said just gave me more questions than answers?’

‘I’m sorry - no, Josh, I really am. I’m sorry for leaving you, with so many questions and half-truths, and I’m sorry that I can’t give you all the answers you want now.’

‘It’s okay, SJ,’ he said, and he meant it.

A smile tugged on her lips. ‘Don’t call me SJ,’ she said and Josh knew, then, that they were going to be okay.

‘So, tell me, what have you been up to in the last few years? And I don’t mean the things on the news about the heir of Sir Donald Wakefield - I mean  _ you,  _ Josh.’

‘Well...not much, really. Once I got back to England, I tried to get dad’s affairs in order, which took a lot longer than I expected. Then I tried to clear up as much of the order as possible...I suppose I’ve been hiding a bit, though not quite as successfully as you. I didn’t want to go out socialising again, when everyone was just seeing me as the heir now.’ He shrugged and Sarah gave him an encouraging smile. 

‘You’re a lot more than that, Josh, don’t let anyone tell you anything else. You’ve always been amazing and you don’t need your father’s name or money to prove that.’

‘You may see that, but the people around me don’t. They’ve all known him, worked for him already, so…’

‘So now they treat you like a child they have to teach?’ Sarah guessed and Josh nodded.

‘Something like that. Sometimes, I just want to go back to being Josh Townsend, runaway son - though I never really was that either, was I?’

‘You may have run away on your father’s orders, but that doesn’t mean you’re any less the Josh who saved me during that Bank robbery.’

‘I can’t believe that was almost ten years ago,’ Josh mused and Sarah smiled.

‘A lot has happened since then, hasn’t it?’ She pointed towards the pictures above the fireplace. ‘I have a son now.’

‘The boy from earlier?’

‘Yes. His name is Luke, and gods, Josh, he’s  _ brilliant _ .’ It was impossible to miss the pride in her voice as she talked about her son and Josh couldn’t bite back a chuckle.

‘I never thought you’d be a mum, SJ. Where did he come from - I mean, he’d have already been born when we first met, right?’

‘Oh, no no,’ Sarah shook her head, still smiling. ‘I adopted him, three years ago now. He had nowhere else to go, so…’

‘You just kept him?’

‘He wanted to stay. And he really couldn’t go anywhere else - it’s complicated, sorry.’

‘It’s alright, I guess.’ For a moment, they sat in silence again but this time, it was companionable and not stifling like before. After a moment, Josh carefully spoke up again. ‘Have you heard from Nat?’

As soon as the words were out there, Josh wanted to take them back, because Sarah stiffened and was, once again, avoiding his eyes as she answered.

‘I check on her occasionally,’ she admitted, ‘but I haven’t actually spoken to her since...not long after I left Dreamland. She knew there were still things I was keeping from her, so we both needed time to think.’ 

‘Do you know where she is?’

‘Yes. She moved back to London earlier this year, got a new, amazing job...I thought about calling her but I didn’t want to ruin her new life by opening up old baggage. I hope you won’t do that either, she was pulled into that mess by both of us and she didn’t deserve that.’

‘You’re right. I was just hoping, you know.’ He rubbed his face, tired of the world. ‘I just thought it would be nice to see her again.’

‘I know, Josh, I know. I miss her too.’

For a long time, they just sat there, pondering the last few years while sipping their cold tea. Then, Sarah turned to ask about dinner just as Josh wanted to clear up another thing on his mind and they ended up talking over each other, then dissolved into laughter.

‘That hasn’t happened to me in ages,’ Sarah grinned and Josh nodded, wiping away a tear.

‘Nor me. What were you going to say?’

‘I wanted to know if you were staying for dinner? I was going to get take-out, because it’s Friday, you know?’

‘Oh, I’d just be in the way -’

‘Nonsense, Josh. I wouldn’t ask you to stay if I didn’t mean it.’

‘Well, in that case I’d love to.’

‘Great.’ She smiled. ‘I’ll ask Luke what he fancies when he gets back - what were you going to say?’

‘I was wondering about your friend, the one who never showed up in the restaurant? Will Sullivans’ brother?’

‘Harry? What about him?’

‘Did he ever show up? Did he...you know, know about Will?’

‘If you mean that he knew about his involvement with the crimson chapter; no, Harry didn’t know about that. He had never even heard of the Orbus Postramo before I told him. You wouldn’t believe how angry he was when he found out about it all.’

‘But he came back?’

Sarah nodded, but there was a pained look in her eyes. ‘Just after my...wedding.’ She swallowed. ‘I don’t know what I would have done without him.’

‘He’s still around, then?’ Josh asked, carefully trying to change the subject from the omnios wedding. Sarah wasn’t wearing a ring, so whatever the story there was, by the look on her face, it had hurt her - again. He reached over to squeeze her hand when she didn’t answer. ‘Hey, it’s okay.’

‘Yes, of course, sorry.’ She shook her head and pulled back her hands, then got up and deposited their empty mugs in the sink. Leaning against the counter, she finally turned back to him and nodded slowly.

‘Harry’s busy, he’s always been. But he’s around, and he’s not going anywhere - that’s Harry, the one I could always rely on.’ 

Josh knew she didn’t mean it that way, that she couldn’t rely on him, but it still stung. They had been through a lot together and even though his belief in the Book of Tomorrows wasn’t as fixed as it used to be, she would never cease to be the Herald, someone he would protect with his life if it came to it. In a way, it already had - and she had ended up saving both of them anyway. So perhaps, this Harry she held in such high regard was more reliable than he was, even if he didn’t like it. After all, he had abandoned Sarah for a decade in favour of some undercover research project - which he knew wasn’t fair to blame him for, because when you were sent on an assignment like that, you were rarely given a choice.

‘I'm glad you have someone,' he said instead and Sarah gave him a small smile.

'Do you have someone too?' she wanted to know instead and he couldn't help but sigh deeply.

'I had a few friends, but they're all from the Order, so now that I'm technically the Keeper...not really, no.'

'Oh Josh.' His thoughts were so far away for a moment that he didn't even notice how she sat down next to him until he felt her wrap an arm around him and rest her head on his shoulder. 'I didn't mean to leave you behind on your own,' she whispered and he hugged her back.

'You didn't. You just, for once, did what I always told you to do, take care of yourself. I'm not angry at you, you know? I was, but…'

'But you've realised that it doesn't help?'

'Sort of, yeah.' He smiled. It was like old times - the good bits, of course, when they were just sitting and talking, and he rested his cheek on top of her head. 'It's good to have you back, SJ.'

'You too, Josh.'

They must have sat like that for a long time, just enjoying the comfort only an old friend can give you, when they heard the front door open.

'MUM, I'M BACK!' Definitely Luke, half shouting the house down, making both of them flinch.

'Kitchen!' Sarah Jane called back and detangled herself from Josh, bright smile on her face. She turned to Josh. ‘I think you’ll like - Luke!’

It was amazing, Josh thought, how within a blink, Sarah shifted from this new, proud mum he was still getting used to to a scolding, slightly scary mum that in a funny way reminded him of every time she used to scold him. Arms crossed, she stared at her son and the two ternagers accompanying him, a girl and another boy.

‘Sorry mum,’ Luke apologised sheepishly while his friends - a girl and another boy - warily glanced at Josh.

‘Luke said you had a strange visitor,’ the girl explained and the two boys nodded.

  
‘Yes, we were worried, when has there ever been someone ni-’

‘Thank you, Clyde, that is quite enough,’ Sarah interrupted and at least all three of them had the grace to look suitably sorry. But Josh couldn’t help but wonder what exactly Sarah was up to these days - of the record - that her son and his friends were so acutely aware of danger. ‘Rani, Clyde, this is my old friend Josh. Josh - Rani, Clyde. And this-’ she pulled Luke towards her, ‘-is my son Luke.’

‘Hello,’ Luke said, still slightly wary, and held out his hand. ‘How do you do?’

Quite polite, that one, Josh thought - but then again, he was Sarah Jane Smith’s son, what did he expect? He was just about to answer when he realised Sarah had already shifted her attention back to the other two teenagers.

‘Josh is staying for dinner and if I’m not mistaken, you are both due for supper at home, aren’t you?’ Both of them nodded.

‘Yes, Sarah Jane.’ Odd, that they actually called her “Sarah Jane”, Josh thought - he had never heard anyone do that before.

‘Then I suggest you both go home now - don’t give me that look, Clyde, I’m not throwing you out. You can come back tomorrow like always - but we  _ will  _ have a chat about this.’

Five minutes later, both Rani and Clyde had been hugged goodbye and shephereded out of the house and Josh, Luke and Sarah found themselves in the parlour, waiting for their dinner to arrive.

Josh, chatting with Luke while Sarah was watching them contently, realised that she hadn’t been exaggerating, the boy really was brilliant. He had no idea how she had managed to adopt a genius of all kids, but it was such a typical Sarah thing to do..why did he even ask.

By the end of the evening, Josh seemed to have himself redeemed in the boy’s eyes, even though he wasn’t quite sure what he had to redeem himself for. But even though they had all been at ease, it hadn’t slipped anyone’s noticed that every interaction was closely watched by the third party. While the love and trust between mother and son were obvious, Luke had clearly noticed the ease between his mum and Josh, so by the time Josh was about to leave, he not only got a hug from Sarah, but also one from Luke.

‘It was nice to meet you,’ he smiled, ‘maybe you can come back sometime?’

‘If your mum is okay with that?’ Josh asked, the question deliberately open to both of them. Sarah just pressed a light goodbye kiss on his cheek before she put an arm around Luke’s shoulders. 

‘I’d really like that, Josh.’

  
  



	2. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know, this is barely a chapter - it's really just an interlude, originally intended as the beginning of chapter 2 but when that book another direction, it became this tiny chapter. Worry not, it will be the only one.\ might post the second chapter sometime mid-week, depending on real life Otherwise it should be up next weekend.  
> As always, comments are love!

Dinner quickly became a weekly thing. Sometimes, they were joined by Luke's friends even though Luke had long gone back to University but apparently, they were Sarah's friends just as much. He still didn't quite get the connection here, but even now, he was more than aware that there were things Sarah was keeping secret from him. 

Josh never quite understood how she could be so lax about it; this 'open door' policy, where people could just wander in, appeared very much at odds with the paranoid Sarah Jane from just a few years ago. Despite not being on the run anymore, it did seem strange that there was to be no residue anxiety about someone coming after her. But perhaps, Josh thought as he watched her joke with Luke one night, she had managed to move on. 

He tried not to give it too much thought because this was Sarah Jane Smith, a woman who never made much sense. But old habits die hard and when his phone rang, Sarah's number, in the middle of the week outside their usual dinners, he was half on the way by the time he picked it up.

'Is everything alright, SJ?'

'What on earth are you doing - Josh, are you running?' Sarah asked, instantly worried when she heard him rushing down a flight of stairs.

'I'm on my way?' He bit out, opening the door to the garage - then she stopped him.

'I'm fine, Josh. Nothing's happened, you don't need to come over.' They both knew what she wasn't saying: The times when she called him because there was trouble were in the past. 'At least you learned to keep your mobile turned on,' Sarah finally joked and Josh let out a breath he hadn't realised he had been holding. 

'Sorry,' he apologised. 'I thought, you know, something happened.'  _ It always did, with you _ , was left unsaid. 'So, what  _ did _ happen, why'd you call?'

'I got a phone call earlier. Someone who wants to meet me for tea. An old friend.'

'An old friend...someone I know?' Josh had to admit, he still had no idea why Sarah had called him. It wasn't like he knew any of her friends - hell, for the better part of their friendship he hadn't even known she had any friends at all!

'Someone you know, yes,' she agreed and he could almost hear her smile. 'Nat called. I thought it would be nice to see her again. I just…'

'You're just worried that you'll get her in trouble again and she ends up being hurt?' Even after five years of silence between them, it had taken them no time at all to be able to finish each other's thoughts once more. 

'Yes. I miss her, Josh, but I couldn't stand it if she somehow got into harm's way again, and for some reason, she always did…'

'You want to meet for tea, SJ. What terrible thing could possibly happen during tea?' It was a rhetorical question, really, but he thought that he heard Sarah faintly mutter something along the lines of 'you really have no idea'.

'So you think I should meet her?' was the answer he got instead and when he hung up two minutes later, it was with a bright smile on his face and rather excited at the prospect of maybe soon seeing Nat again too.


	3. Hot Cocoa and Peppermint Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking to Josh was easy, compared to meeting Nat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update, still in 2020. Barely, though, so Happy New Year to all those reading this after midnight!

By Friday afternoon, Sarah was far more anxious than she would have liked to admit. She had no trouble facing all kinds of alien threats on a daily basis, but seeing Nat again? That was a whole different matter to worry about. After all, there was no telling how Nat would react to seeing her again, to seeing that she had moved on with her life - she had Luke now, a proper house in a nice part of London and was one of the country’s top three journalists. But none of that changed the fact that she had disappeared from Nat’s life, much like she disappeared from Josh’s, and while Josh had gone easy on her thanks to their mutual tendency to keep secrets, Nat might not be so forgiving.

‘Don’t overthink it, old girl,’ she told herself, ‘this is Nat we’re talking about; who contacted you, not the other way around, so she’s probably moved on too.’

Despite having told herself dozens of times not to, Sarah had kept an eye on her friend’s career and had personally background checked every one of her boyfriends. Not that she had that many, but after the disaster with Luca, it wouldn’t be fair to let one of the few she cared about turn on her again.

Since her house was not exactly accessible for someone with a wheelchair, Sarah had agreed to meet Nat in the little cafe on the high street that, as she had been assured by Rani, had wonderful hot chocolate. Besides, it was neutral territory and if everything went well, they could still take a little walk and show Nat around then.

She was a few minutes early and waiting for Nat to join her seemed to take forever. Then, after an eternity, the door opened and Nat pushed in. Immediately, Sarah got up and waved at her, weaving her way through the other costumers towards her to show her to their table. 

‘Hello, Nat,’ she said and it was impossible to keep that warm smile from her face. Nat smiled back, albeit a little more tight than she used to, and gave Sarah a once over. Not that Sarah blamed her, she couldn’t help but take in Nat’s new look herself. ‘I like your hair. It suits you, short.’

‘Oh.’ Somewhat self-consciously, Nat reached up to touch the ends of her bob. ‘Thanks. I’ve had it like this for years - I forgot you’ve never seen it.’ There was an awkward pause and neither of them knew what to say. Finally, Nat settled on ‘You look great, Sarah.’

‘I got old,’ she immediately shot back, eerily reminded of the time she said those exact words to the Doctor. Her life had changed so much since then - and only for the better. 

Nat shook her head, though, pulling her from her thoughts. ‘No, you really do. I don’t think...I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look better. Not even at Planet 3.’ 

It was true, she thought. Back when she had first met Sarah, when she had not been a friend yet and just another coworker, Sarah had always seemed to be on the brink of snapping. She had never spoken about her past and had always avoided questions about anything personal. Looking back, Nat thought that she had probably been burning herself out with how much she put into work. At times, it had seemed like she didn’t have a life outside of the job and it had taken Nat more than a year to get Sarah to tell her anything about herself at all. After that, she had loosened up a little but there had still been something haughty and ruthless about her - something that had gotten only worse after she had been fired from Planet 3. 

Now, however, it was absent and it made Sarah look like a whole new woman. Younger, maybe. Certainly happier. 

Sarah swallowed as she felt Nat’s thoughtful gaze linger on her while she waited for an answer. What could she say? She shrugged.

‘I’ve let go of a lot of old baggage,’ she eventually said, then pushed back her chair. ‘Is it still hot chocolate for you?’

‘Yes, please - thank you, Sarah.’

‘Of course.’ While she made her way over to the counter of the cafe, waiting for the order to be filled, she turned back to watch Nat. She hadn’t changed much, and yet she seemed completely different. It wasn’t just the haircut, she seemed more confident. Not that she had ever not been, but over the years, there had been too many times when Nat had been the one to pay for her choices. Sarah had always loathed herself for that and hadn’t that been the reason she stayed away from her friend for years now? But this Nat, though uncertain how to talk to Sarah, seemed to have gotten her life back together as well, looking all put together and happy.

‘Hot chocolate and mint tea?’ 

‘That’s me, thanks,’ Sarah said and gingerly took the tray to carry the mugs back over to their table.

‘Still the same for you too,’ Nat smiled as she saw Sarah’s tea.

‘Well, I suppose some things really never change.’

‘And some things do.’

‘Yes. But imagine, if everything always stayed the same, how would we ever move forward? The universe is always changing, it never stops and it never will, because if it did - it would be the end.’

‘You’ve certainly got deep.’

‘I like to think of it as “the wisdom that comes from having gotten a glimpse at what’s out there”.’

‘Did it really change you that much?’

‘Oh Nat. It changed  _ everything _ .’ And it had, hadn’t it? Seeing the universe, travelling through time and space - it took Sarah a moment to remind herself that Nat knew nothing of all that, that she was referring to the Dauntless but then, hadn’t that trip been what had ultimately led her to change her life again? 

She shook her head and gave Nat a tight smile. That was not something she wanted to think about too much now. ‘I’ve heard you got back into research?’

‘What? Oh, yes. I did.’ Nat caught herself, slightly startled by the sudden change in topic but sensing that Sarah wanted to avoid talking about space for the time being. ‘I stayed in the States for three years, I met a few people with contacts to a team looking for new people to help analyse the findings they had brought back from their last dig. One of them was on maternity leave, so I took over for her and when she came back, they wanted me to stay on the team.’ She smiled proudly. ‘Then I got an offer in Verona, and I still love Italy, so…’

‘So you took it and went to Verona,’ Sarah finished knowingly. At least it hadn’t been Florence again.

‘Yes. A few months ago, the work on site there finished, and the Professor asked me if I would come to London and stay as his assistant.’

‘That’s wonderful, Nat.’

‘I really just got lucky.'

‘Oh, but do you really think they’d have kept you around if you weren’t amazing at what you’re doing?’

‘I suppose not…’ She trailed off, then her eyes snapped up, finding Sarah’s. ‘I forgot you always did that.’

‘Did what?’ Sarah frowned, genuinely confused what Nat was talking about.

‘Making me feel great. Like I could do everything - encouraging me, you always used to do that. I forgot, but you still do it.’

Sarah shrugged. ‘I never realised. I always meant what I said, that’s why I said it.’

‘That’s what makes it so special, Sarah - you don’t even seem to realise. You make the people around you want to be better, because you just...you trust them, you put your faith in them and encourage them - what?’ Sarah’s eyes had widened almost comically at Nat’s words, but she found herself shaking her head.

‘It’s just...I’ve never realised. That I did that, I mean. I used to have a friend, a long time ago. My best friend.’ She gave a wistful smile. ‘He was exactly like that. Oh, sometimes, he would taunt me, make me angry but in the end, it always served to make me do things I’d have never thought I could do. I’ve learned so much from him - people  _ have  _ said that I’ve become like him but I never realised that they meant  _ that. _ I assumed they meant the a-' 

Nat frowned when she cut herself off, blinking twice to gather herself again, not sure if she had, perhaps, said too much already. But Nat was a little baffled herself. In less than a minute, she had learned more about Sarah’s past than she had in the fifteen years she had known her. Whatever she had been up to over the last few years, it had done her a world of good.

‘I tried to find you before,’ she burst out, ‘I wanted to make sure you were alright but I couldn’t find you.’

‘I know. I made sure no one could.’

‘Why?’ Wasn’t the answer obvious? She still wanted to hear it.

Sarah shook her head. ‘The Crimson chapter still wanted to kill me. I’ve made some enemies of my own in my time, people who would have liked to see me dead too. Some old friends got concerned about my safety, so they helped me, well, not go into hiding, but to hide. Get myself back together, my life.’

'And did you? Because I tried the same, but it took me so long, I thought I'd never get there.'

'It took me long enough myself but in the end, yes, I did. I moved on, in many ways. I reconnected with some very dear old friends - I believe you met Liz, back at Dreamland? But most importantly, I met my best friend again. We used to travel together when I was still with UNIT, and it was eyeopening,really. We had another adventure and then…' She trailed off,not noticing Nat's incredulous look.

Nat quite honestly didn't know which part of this revelation she should address first. In the end, she went with 'You worked for UNIT? I thought you hated guns.'

'Did you never wonder why?' Sarah shrugged. 'It's all connected, you know? Everything we are comes from the things we experienced throughout our life and mine...gods Nat, some of the things I've seen, you wouldn't believe me. But all of it made me the person I was when we first met and what happened since has made me who I am now.'

'And what… what  _ has _ happened?' Nat asked carefully. For a moment, Sarah hesitated,then she smiled.

'Well, for one, I'm a mum now.'

'It mum? Sarah! How wonderful!' Not beamed at her. 'Who's the lucky man?' Though secretly, she was surprised that Sarah had decided to have a child, she was caring, yes, but she had never struck Nat as particularly motherly. At the question, Sarah grimaced.

'What is it with everyone thinking I'd need a man to have children?' It was a notion she had given upon years ago, during her travels, when she had met plenty of alien species that procreated in different ways. Much like Josh, Nat at least had the decency so look chastised and Sarah sighed. 'I adopted Luke four years ago, he was fourteen then. He's in his second year in Oxford now. And then there's Sky. She hasn't been with me very long yet but she's just as brilliant as her brother.'

'You really have changed,' Nat said slowly, ' The Sarah I first met would have never dreamed of adopting a child, let alone two - what made you do it?'

'Honestly? It just sort happened.'

'Adopting a child - let alone two!- that doesn't "just happen", Sarah!'

'Well, that is the short version. The long one is rather complicated, not suited for being told in public spaces and, in both cases, more than slightly unbelievable.'

'Oh.' It was clear that Nat didn't like that answer any more, the indication of more secrets - again - stinging quite a lot more than she would have liked to admit. Sarah seemed to realise that too, because she tiredly rubbed her temples.

'Look, Nat, I never meant to keep secrets from you. For years, you were my closest friend. But I signed the official secrets act, and a lot of the things I kept from you are, in one way or another, related to that. The rest is just utter madness you wouldn't believe if I told you.'

'Try me.'

'What if I told you...yes. What if I told you the Orbus Postramo didn't make everything they believed up?'

'Well, no belief is completely unfounded, Sarah. But that doesn't mean they got everything right - can we just not talk about this? '

'Of course. What would you like to talk about instead?'

Nat sighed. 'I don't know. Maybe...oh, I know. Men! I don't think you were ever involved with anyone in all the time I've known you, though neither for lack of offer nor opportunity. And if I may say so, I can't believe that has changed any, you look bloody fantastic.' 

'Oh, why, thank you, Nat. You know, you're not all wrong. There were several men who were… interested. That really never was the problem - they were just not right.' Hesitating for a moment, Sarah bit her lip as she contemplated whether or not to tell Nat about her failed wedding. The non-alien version, of course. Really, the answer was easy. She swallowed. 'There was one man.'

Apart from the people who knew Sarah from her UNIT days, Nat was perhaps the person who had known her longest. And even though she knew little to none of her secrets, Nat had learned how to read her. So she knew immediately, upon seeing the look on Sarah's face, that whatever had happened to this mysterious someone, it hadn't ended well.

'What was his name?' She asked gently. Sarah shook her head. 

'You have to understand; for decades, I compared every man to the best man I had ever known: my best friend. I spent half my life waiting for him to come back for me so we could pick up right where we left off. I think, had I stayed longer with him back then, we would have probably become more than friends eventually.' She paused. 'The point is, when I met him again, he offered it to me: go back to where we left off or move on. And I decided to move on.

'There were quite a few men who told me they were interested - most of them way too young, I'm not about to rob the cradle, one of them even was my neighbour, and the father of Luke's best friend!

'But then, last spring, I met this wonderful, perfect man. He was almost too good to be real but Nat, I loved him. And I  _ know _ he loved me.' She stopped again and swallowed, throat suddenly tight. It sudden- and unbiddenly occurred to Sarak that she had never spoken to anyone about Peter. After the wedding, Luke had taken it upon himself to take care of all the painful and now unnecessary letters with congratulations, and he had also insisted on being the one to explain it all to Liz and the Brig. When Harry had shown up not long after, he had tried to coax some of it out of her, but to no avail. Sarah had never been one to grief aloud, rather keeping it all quiet and locked inside, so instead, he had settled for holding her when she couldn't hold herself together.

In a way, Sarah thought now, saying those things aloud did help. It felt good to talk about Peter, even if it still hurt. The Doctor had said it always would but somehow, she didn't mind. She shook the thought off for the moment and looked up at Nat again. 

'His name was Peter,' she said, 'and we were about to get married.'

'What happened?' Nat couldn't help her curiosity. This was Sarah Jane Smith; she wouldn't look this emotional if things had gone to plan - which, by her wording, they clearly hadn't.

'He died.' Not what Nat had expected. 'We stood at the altar, about to take our vows and then he just...died.'

'Oh Sarah, that's horrible! I'm so sorry - I shouldn't have asked, I'm sorry-'

'It's alright, Nat. If I hadn't wanted you to know, I wouldn't have told you. Or need I to remind you that I am very good at deflecting questions I don't want to answer?'

'Yes, I do remember that particular detail about you - you know it always drove the editor crazy when he called you in on business and you ended up evading all his questions and he'd only notice once you were off already with whatever you wanted from him!'

'Oh yes, those were days…' Sarah laughed and Nat joined in, relieved that they had somehow managed to get onto safe ground again. For a little while, they talked about 'the old days' back at Planet 3 before things went all downhill, which they both conveniently decided not to mention at all. Then Nat spoke some more about her new job, the wonderful young man she had met at the university, where he was working in the department on the other side of the landing the archaeology department was on, and about how frustrating it was to have all her medical records transferred internationally and translated (the italian ones), which apparently was quite the nuisance. Sarah would have loved to offer Mr Smith's help but seeing that Nat didn't know about aliens, that didn't seem like a particularly wise idea.

Then, suddenly and completely out of the blue, Nat said something, so nonchalantly and "by the way" Sarah almost missed it, that made the blood freeze in her veins. 

'At least I'm just worried about transferring them, not like you. Sometimes I really did wonder just what you were doing before Planet 3 to get your medical records completely blacked out - not that your other files were any better-'

'You hacked into my medical files?' Sarah asked, tone like ice. Nat flinched back as if she had been slapped.

'Only because NASA needed your previous illnesses, things like that - I'm sorry, Sarah, but they just wanted to help. Not that it made a difference, no one could get in and then your own personal Doctor showed up.'

'Liz,' Sarah acknowledged and Nat nodeed.

'Yes, that's how she introduced herself. Dr Elizabeth Shaw.'

'Liz is an old friend.'

'So you said.' Nat hesitated. 'I looked her up, you know? Dr Shaw? And the only Liz Shaw with a Doctor title I could find isn't actually a medical doctor at all. She's a renowned research Professor but-'

'Why would you look up Liz, Nat?' 

'Because I was worried about you! Sarah, you never told us - me - anything about your past and they were so many secrets and you'd kept so much from me - you and Josh both - but that doesn't mean I didn't care about you anymore! I couldn't find you, so I went after the only clue I had: Dr Shaw. Only, by the time I tracked anything useful about her down, she seemed to have disappeared from earth. What?' Sarah shook her head, but Nat was fairly certain she had muttered something along the lines of 'literally', which obviously made no sense because the only way to do that was to go into space and if Dr Shaw, who was older than Sarah, had been admitted to a space program, that would certainly have made the news.

But when Sarah gave no indication that she was about to do anything other than glare at Nat, she pushed on. 'And after she'd disappeared, you were there again. I made sure to keep an eye on your name and suddenly it kept popping up everywhere - I had no idea you were such a great journalist. I mean, of course I was familiar with your work from before Planet 3, but that wasn't the same. The point is, and you know that: I'm a brilliant hacker. And I couldn't find one single bit of information about you that wasn't intended to be found. I still don't know how you did it- though I suppose I get the why. You were still afraid of the order finding you - and now we're back at this topic after all.'

'It seems we can't avoid it,' Sarah said, resigned, and pointedly ignoring the rest of what Nat had just said. She glanced at their mugs. 'Perhaps we shouldn't talk about that in public.'

'No, better not,' Nat acknowledged. She looked at Sarah. 'Didn't you say you lived closeby? Perhaps we could go to yours, get this over and done with - if you don't mind, of course.'

Sarah huffed. 'Of course I don't mind. In fact, I was just about to suggest the same - I have to get home soon anyway, Sky will be back from school.'

'Right, your daughter. How old is she again?' Children, always a good way to subtly change the topic.

'Twelve. But she's not like other children - sometimes, it's like the entire world is brand new to her, like she's seeing everything for the first time.'

'Is that a bad thing?'

'No, not at all. Luke was the same - sometimes, he still is. But people find it… disconcerting when they don't know, so now you do.'

If she was being perfectly honest, Nat thought that really, this almost overly protective Mama Sarah was a lot more disconcerting than she could imagine any child to be. Shaking her head to herself, she allowed Sarah to push her out of the cafe and down the street towards her home.

Yet another thing Nat hadn't expected at all when Sarah had told her where she was living now. Ealing was nice, of course, she just hadn't been able to reconcile it with the Sarah she knew. But that was exactly the problem, wasn't it? She wasn't the Sarah Nat had known for years, she had changed, seemingly into a completely different woman. A woman who fit right in in Ealing, had two children - all she was missing was a dog! 

How had she done it, Nat wondered silently, half heartedly listening to Sarah pointing out some of the historical sites they passed. How had she managed to move on so completely when she herself was still struggling sometimes, suddenly overwhelmed when she remembered panic and fear and worry? Or was she being unfair - she hadn't told Sarah about those struggles either and had tried to focus on nice things - who was to say Sarah hadn't done the same?

She was startled from her thoughts when Sarah turned, pushing the wheelchair up a driveway. Nat frowned, then gaped when she turned to see Sarah fishing a key from her purse.

_ 'This  _ is your house?' She asked. A small grin and a nod.

'Yes.'

'It's...Sarah, it's  _ huge.' _

'I know. It's even bigger on the inside.' She chuckled as if that was supposed to be funny, but the joke was lost on Nat. Realising her mistake, Sarah shook her head. 'I didn't buy it, if that's what you're wondering. Aunt Lavinia had rented it out and when she died, the bank took care of the tenants. They decided to move out just before...Dreamland, and when I came back and went through all the paperwork, I found a few things I hadn't noticed before.'

'Like a house?'

'Well, yes. I went to have a look, see if I wanted to rent it out again but when I saw it...I was so sick of moving every few months, Nat. I didn't even remember what it felt like to not feel like I had to be able to pack everything at a moment's notice. I couldn't do it anymore.'

'So you thought you'd move into a gigantic house you just happen to own?' Had it been anyone else telling her that, Nat would have laughed. But this was Sarah and therefore the only person she could think of who could get away with something like that and not sound completely mad.

'Yes,' Sarah confirmed with a smile and Nat shook her head fondly, for a moment forgetting all her doubts and worries about her friend. 

Then they both had to focus on somehow getting Nat's wheelchair up the front step, which took a bit of fiddling. But eventually, Sarah pushed her through the front door and into her home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are love!<3

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are love!


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